The Greatest Pain in Life

  The greatest pain in life
is not to die, but to be ignored.

To lose the person you love so
much to another who doesn't care at all.

To have someone you care so about so much throw a party...
and not tell you about it.

When your favorite person on earth
neglects to invite you to his graduation.

To have people think that you don't care.

The greatest pain in life,
is not to die,
but to be forgotten.

To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.

To never get a call from a friend,
just saying "hi".

When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face.

For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits.

When it seems like the only person who cares about you,
is you.

Life is full of pain,
but does it ever get better?

Will people ever care about each other,
and make time for those who are in need?

Each of us has a part to play
in this great show we call life.

Each of us has a duty to mankind
to tell our friends we love them.

If you do not care about your friends
you will not be punished.

You will simply be ignored...
forgotten...
as you have done to others.

 

Taurus: Pick an object that represents your future and share it with others.**

had a weird dream last nite

went to watch a movie with ------ . blah blah blah... n when we left, said something tt i have been waiting to hear.

so.. is this gonna happen in real life? or is it tt i wanted it so badly, it can only happen in my dreams which seemed equally real ?


thinking of all those stuffs, i feel tt i m, n was _______ in silence.... coz "u" dun understand me... n tt lets me dwn =(

not gd, its bad.. boo...hoo hoo?


juz reminds me.. JOKE OF E DAY:

Q: y din u take tt pic of u n ur ex in ur wallet out?

ANS : coz of laziness n it leaves a print there.


DEH! WRONG ANS! LAME! i wonder wat would b e ans of other ppl?

i wouldnt have this prob coz i would already have taken it out. y would i still wanna c e person who have hurt me when it juz reminds me of tt jerk? unless i m still crazy about him....(which most of e time wun b e case. coz even if i still like him, there will still b hatred within me)

during e chi new yr channel 8 showed e making of S.H.E's mtv, e mtv of "wo ai ni" nv fails to touch me (or juz by listening to e song alone, though i din really listen to e lyrics carefully.. =X but..), so "lomantic"... those who have watched it will know wat i mean...

Li.di.ya turned back time on 12:14:00 PM.

Taurus: Stick with the plan, yet be open to modifications along the way.**


Quote of e day: "fang shou, bu shi cheng ren zhi ji shi bai. fang shou, zhi shi gei zhi ji ji hui zhao yi ge gen mei hao de lu zou".

suppose to start on my DCNK project now, which is due later at 8.30am, but i m concentrating on something else. (ya n i still have prob with my IISO. wth do i do 4 logistics?!!)

listening to 93.3fm 'er san ling ling(2300) ji mo you ren pei' de i.o.i.o. todays topic is: 'chi hui tou cao'. 'hao ma bu chi hui tou cao ma?'

some ppl called in to share their stories n so far those 'chi hui tou cao' de mei yuo hao jie guo. like Ling Zhi said: "if e prob(cause of e break) is not solved, even if u patch back, it wun last long because e prob is still there." strongly agree. well, how true do u think tt is?

'chi hui tou cao' ppl r those who hope for another chance n tt things would get better, or 'fang bu xia de ren'. 'bu chi hui tou cao' ppl r those who r afraid of getting hurt again. like wat they always say: "Once bitten, twice shy."

nvm if it's juz about giving another chance, wat about e 2nd? or even 3rd? e tot of having to patch n mayb break again, makes me sian only. think it would b damn tiring. n e kind of trust u had in tt person will no longer b there. in other words, no security.

n will you b with some1 who is constantly beside u, but is thinking of another person? i cant take tt. i would rather give it up.

wat is "Love" anyway? can any1 actually explain it? i doubt so. not even me. some ppl keep using this phrase, "i love u". but is it because u "Love" each other, tt u 2 r together or is it only 'yi lai'? we r looking 4 company? hmm.. 'yi lai'=u need tt person to share ur tots,feelings n stuffs=Love? coz they always ask who is e first person u think of when u wanna share ur happiness or problems with, then tt is e 1. ya.. like watever 4 do we care rite? life is short so wth, juz Love la! 'gan ai gan hen'.

but i guess tts wat love is all about, n how it comes about. it all starts with pure friendship, tt u 2 realise u need each other n decide to stay together 4 gd.

so... is it better to b with some 1 tt likes u more than u like him/her or e other way round? i dun think it is ez to find both of e same equal "amt" because diff ppl diff expectations/requirements. some may think its "too much" or "suffocating", while others think tt e sacrifice made is too little. it will nv b equal. depends on e diff ppl's point of view. so.. tts y we guys n girls always think tt 'hao nu ren, hao nan ren' extinct le, even though there r so many ppl ard us. blame it on e diff characters tt we ppl have ba..which others may detest ...

so.. i choose no.1: better to b with some1 tt loves u more than u love him/her. coz 'ai yi ge ren hao nan' and 'bei ai shi xing fu, ai ren shi tong ku.'

i cant help being a pessimist/sadist. blame it on my childhood or watever things i can blame on, for this kind of character tt is already in me.

though vday is already over, i juz dun understand y e hell do we have such a special day for us to celebrate love with our e other half? or frens, for those who r single? is it necessary? is it tt we ONLY treat them extra special on this day?

they juz wanna 'xuan yao' to those single men n women out there la. with bouquets of roses blah...

mayb i m juz jealous coz i m single. most prob i would think differently n would b acting e same as them if i m attached. =P

still...... i dun mind being single at all, i still can b happy. loving it!

Li.di.ya turned back time on 12:00:00 AM.

Taurus: You'll have to make tough choices. You can't please everyone.**

i m stuck with so many projects now. DCNK, IISO, NMM, Maths n UIR class test, all on THURS!!! except e DCNK which is due tomolo morning, 8.30am! gotta burn midnite oil again. e worse is tt i dunno how to start. -.- i dun mind e NMM but e rest.. argh...watever. i m so damn sure i will repeat DCNK next sem. or mayb even IISO. bleah.

tonite gotta go jogging le... =}




MON:
Taurus: A loved one says one thing but actually feels something else.** <-- something tt is better?...or WORSE? =} V DAY!!!!! like its gotta do with me.... -.- anyway.. 'yuan you qing ren chong cheng juan shu'... =)

new yr, christmas, v day..... is like a normal day for me, juz tt it is a day tt i dun have to go to sch! yeah!

went to sch anyway. after sch went tm to meet my sis n her frens 4 dinner. every restaurants were packed, with long Qs outside. heng heng my sis knows some1 from Billy Bombers so we sort of cut Q... hehe. yeah... after we sat dwn we then realised they only serve set meals on this day. no choice. we only had 4 set meals to choose from.

guess wat r e novelties tt come together with out set meals? we each get a... 1.chuppa chups lollipop 2.colourful ang pow packet 3.condom made in USA! lol. b4 we left, my sis actually asked e supervisor whether it is usable or something since she knows her. n she said tt isnt. hmm.. i was like thinking y dun they give us e "REAL" thing rather than u know.. useless 1s... juz in case SOME PPL need it. lol. kidding la. promote safe sex ma.. but eh... 4 married couples pls!!! really something different man....

after dinner Lennon joined us after her work. (poor thing.. she works from 11-8. e timing a bit e 'bu san bu si' leh..) n she got lost while looking 4 e Billy Bombers. she kena confused by e 2 shopping centres, tm n cs. haha.. like should have called us lor.. my sis also 1 of a kind.

we went to 2 of them de house after tt n watched Desperate Housewifes. drank burburn? coke too coz e couple had whiskey n coke in their house. of coz got ang pow from them.. hehe... after e show we left e place le. poor Lennon had to go go all e way back to Tanjong Pagar. e couple invited them (n me) again on fri to go there c vcd n play cards. so sweet.

this couple had been together like since their sec. sch sia... married 4 quite a few yrs le with a son. though e last time i saw either of them they seemed to b drawing apart, now when i see them tok again they look so cute! haha. not tt they acted cute la.. but their normal conversation juz seems cute to me. sharing stuffs together.. n the guy most of e time would break some jokes to make e girl laugh. so sweet! ah... a sweet looking girl n a so-so kinda guy... bleah

c-ing tt lennon n sis r so close, i cant help feeling happy (n jealous? =X) 4 them. my sis juz told me if she doesnt get married, they should b spending their life being single together. n i juz added: "i shall join u 2!" =D coz i dun wanna b all alone by myself.. n lennon is sooo irrisistable... such a sweetie!

Li.di.ya turned back time on 2:23:00 PM.

Taurus: Be sure you have a grand vision that you can work toward.**

i hate CNY. i have gotten so sick of it. remember those kind of performances we used to have in pri n sec sch? thank god we dun have it in poly now..

all alone at home now with my tentant watching tv, snacking.... dunno wat kind of programs e tv is showing, a bit sad sad de. i need comedy man. though they did show 'wo jia you ge he jun shi?', i think i laughed till too fake le. i m so damn full now but i juz cant stop stuffing food into my mouth. i m bored! i so much wanna go c a movie tonite but i m so damn lazy to leave my house. if go town watch nvm, at least after tt can go dwn to bar to drink, but i m so damn LAZY to travel all e way there! =( like wth.. tomolo somehow gotta go get my shoe for my work on fri. hopefully i will b going 4 my dance class this sun.. =) looking 4ward to it. it's a muz to watch Contsantine! havent watched it but i bet it's a gd movie. n mayb "i do i do"?

my sis have gone to my aunt's house together with my e other 2 aunts. e rest of e family members will b there too. i juz dun like joining this kind of family gatherings, coz i dun even tok to my cousins! not tt i dun wanna give them face, its juz tt there's no point wasting my time sitting there, feeling uncomfortable. weird me rite? i anti-social la....low EQ...i dun deny tt.

tts how i m...n i know its really bad. i dislike this side of me too. guess i will have to try to mix ard more, if not i will.. hai....

next Mon is valentines day le. makes me sian only.

heard of e song 'ai qing bu neng zuo bi jiao'? yeah.. i believe in tt. i need some1 who appriciates me 4 who i m, n not compare me with some other ppl. 'ta you de wo mei you, wo you de ta ke neng ye mei you'....

u should b contented tt i treated u better le lo. poor les, i was so cold towards him. ah.. 'wo shi yi ge mu tou ren' ah.. watever it is.. i have learnt a few stuffs from these lessons le. they shall help me to improve more of myself. =)




TUE:
Taurus: Getting angry with people will only fuel their anger toward you.** <-- =X sorry, i cant help myself..

after sch went TM awhile with sis n her fren to exchange my top to a size smaller. it's an orangy kind of translucent shirt from mango. nice. it's even cheaper than e Giodarno 1 i wanted to buy ok. my sis bought it 4 me 4 new yr. din even have to open my mouth n she auto 1, so sweet. hehe. yesterday she bought a shirt about e same colour as mine from 77th st too, like 'qing lu zhuang' ah.. hehe... tomolo i muz wear it out!

Li.di.ya turned back time on 10:59:00 PM.

Taurus: Tonight is the time to initiate a serious talk with someone you love.**

Goal 4 now: study hard n excel in my java! gotta get into a university man...

Rising Sign is in 17 Degrees Cancer
Very sensitive by nature, you prefer to be in your own familiar surroundings. Cautious and conservative, you make changes in your life only very slowly, if at all. You do not open up easily to strangers. Friendships are made for life, however -- once given, your trust is forever. Your mother, your home as a child and your early family life in general are very important to you. You are also very sentimental. When you feel self- confident, you are gentle, giving and protective of the needs of others. But when you feel insecure or threatened, you become overly sensitive to criticism, shy, withdrawn and moody. You have a strong need for security -- in the sense that you are being loved, nourished and protected.

Sun is in 06 Degrees Taurus.
You are known for being patient, slow moving and careful -- you love to prolong and savor enjoyable times. You appreciate and need comfort, ease and warm surroundings. Be careful of a tendency to become placid and self-satisfied and to overeat (especially sweets). You require strenuous situations in order to grow and mature properly, even though you try to avoid them. Affectionate, even-tempered and slow to anger -- when you do become emotionally upset, you are also slow to forgive and time must pass before your calm returns. You demand real results from any situation -- abstractions are very difficult for you to comprehend. Very artistic, your hands love to mold and shape things. You portray an earthy, physical sexiness that others find quite seductive.

Moon is in 25 Degrees Aries.
High-spirited and courageous, you are a fighter when your emotions are aroused.

Li.di.ya turned back time on 2:10:00 PM.

Taurus: Focus on the friendship aspect of your romantic relationship.**

damn tired of updating here again. guess i will turn to those journal books i used to write in. mayb update here when i m free or have some things to made known to some ppl, hoping they would get to read it n let them have a bit of an idea of my thoughs n feelings.




[Back to my old state]

juz when i begin to think tt life can b real beautiful, my life is back to a messy state. it nv stops. it seems like a cycle to me.

i nv have a (girl-)fren to call my own. not tt i need to 'OWN' tt person, like "stay away from her, she's mine", no.

i need no fren who has a great fashion sense, who toks well, who is popular, who is blessed with gd looks blah... coz to me, they r a bunch of FAKE assholes desperate to b noticed. (....though there r v few exceptions.) i wun give a damn man! i juz need some1 who will readily b there 4 me to pour out my stuff to, whom i can trust blah..

DAMN those attention seekers. DAMN those who speak with an accent which ppl can obviously tell it's not natural, AT ALL. DAMN those who isnt sensitive to e feelings of others. DAMN those who had ACTED tt they cared or watever shit n tot they had faked it through, not successful to me though. DAMN those who tried to lie with their LAME excuses which i straight away could c through them.(it's either i watched too much of tv or its them, coz it seemed as if i had heard them from some of those tv programs.hmm..) DAMN those 2-faced FAKERS!!!!

to those i once called "frens". i had always been there for them when they needed some1 to hear them out, where were they all we i needed help? i nv would call them as "frens", i would use "acquaintance" instead. thanks anyway, for sharing some wonderful time( n sometimes giving me a slap in e face, telling me to wake up).yeah..."thanks alot!" i m already back to reality...


hate those bunch of insensitive creatures to e core. nv realise e things they say or do could hurt a person badly. ok.. it's not me, but when i heard them saying tt of some1 else, i m juz thinking wth, cant they juz put themselves into e shoe of others? or tt person whom they had victimised? SENSITIVE LA SENSITIVE!

y suddenly all of these cursing? coz i m quite pissed by some ppl.. yeah.. n my sch juz sucks now. nv tot tt my love 4 poly life is now gone already, fast huh. tt was when i HAD some frens. b4 some1 had came along. now its only e first yr n i already dread of going to sch.

had this feeling tt u were e 1 putting everything (every1) together n now u r e extra 1? i do. i had pulled some1 who seemed alone into my "group" n now i become e 1 who is an "outcast". tried to blend in until i m too tired to do so. tt explains y my mood was on n off when i was with 2 of them. really, i did try. to me it seemed as if she had deliberately tried to "steal" from me. mayb i sound too possessive or jealous, but if u know e things she did, which no1 else had seemed to notice, u would think tt way too. well.. sometimes u c things differently when u are not part of it. i dun wish to eleborate here but when i think of it it makes me mad. not tt i wanna b excluded, but had they tried to include me? did they even feel/know tt i wasnt with them at diff points of time? (smell something sour? mayb..) i wouldnt have acted this way if they did. dun think they even noticed. my existence n non-existence made no diff. now i juz dunno how to join in theirs n e other girls conversation coz there is like a "communication break down?" now... tt person sucks! so full of herself. tried to accept her but she drove me to this. tt bitch juz kept showing ignorance to me, acting dumb or deaf at times which only i know it myself, u ppl (those puzzled by y i m acting this way) will nv know or understand those feelings i m experiencing rite now. not even THEY realised it. so be it.. she have done it. congrats!

though i "heard" tt they sounded real sincere about this friendship, which started at e begining of e sch yr, i din felt tt way coz nuting was done, no effort was put. guess they should bitching about me now. ..."loner", "loser"(which i am definitely not), "anti-social" .. like i care.. so.. yeah.. sick of it... IT'S E END. i may look poor thing but it's my business, i know wat i want. i need no frens like them n i wun juz stick with them coz being alone looks, so called "pathetic" by some ppl, which i dun agree. i actually get more things done w/o them, w/o wasting my breaks away. so? wise choice? most probably...

mayb i m too kind to them tt they take me 4 granted. always trying to accomodate others, wanting every1 to b happy, but i think it made me look "weak". those ppl r wrong if they think so. i do have a mind of my own, but its only tt i m not gd at "leading" as e other person. i hate to give suggestions n ended up doing it my way, it would make me think tt they r trying to accomodate me, i wun feel gd at all.

me, as a gf, mayb i had done it e wrong way too. "pity" them of something too much which made me mayb a little diff from some other girls, tts y they take advantage of me(eh.. not tt kind of "advantage", think straight pls, i am 'street smart' too u know).i m no pushover k. ok... gotta make sure they make me feel like a princess le.. send me home, pay on our dates blah.. who cares whether its troublesome 4 them or causing a hole in their pockets. tts wat BFs should do rite? if not dun date la. pi! they dun need my "pity" man. they dun 'pei(4)' also lor. hey ya... arent we doing them a favour when we take e trouble to dress up to go out with them?

i may look dumb or anything, it's only tt sometimes i ACT dumb. coz sometimes i dun even know how n where to start when i wanna find out/b aware of some things. i wan auto explanations. but some of them i juz find it too lame. i really dunno its a lie or wat, but surely i have to believe wat ever u ppl say rite?

this 1 is juz too "unstable", i dun understand some of e things tt he do. because of tt, i started to question his words. i din until...... really pissed by wat happened yesterday. hai

i feel tt "ITS" a sooner or later thing... though i dun wanna let wat 1 of my classmates said come true.....

now i juz have to say tt this most prob will b my last relationship until i start working or wat. unless some1 "close-to-perfect" appears b4 me. no ex-gfs prob, serious bout it, could take real gd care of me.. blah... most of e guys juz turn me off. like.. is there even 1 decent, nice, close-to-perfect chap? i have "seen" a few... but sometimes when u get to know a person better, things get a little different from wat u c n tot during e first few impressions. tts when u dun juz judge a book by its cover. some ppl dun understand y some girls turn to lesbianism.... i do... argh.... juz cant stand those liars, 2-timers.. blah... dun let me meet them, i dun wanna b their victims. no matter wat...i wun let tt happen to me! i repeat, i m not dumb! u may try but u will nv succeed.

=) i still enjoy being single....

watever case it is, if i dun feel respected at all, dun dream of me respecting u. coz u dun deserve it. i may not show it directly coz i wun try to b mean k... i will still save u from embarrassment , but deep dwn inside, whether u know it or not, i dun respect u as a person at all.


seriously...i wun b suprised if i get any heart disease in e future. it's such an ugly world.


alot of things i wanna say.. but i dunno how to pen it here. if only some1 understands how i feel..

Li.di.ya turned back time on 11:06:00 PM.

Taurus: People are extra flexible today - you can convince them of anything.**

in e lab now waiting 4 my cds to start at 2. zzz... shall stay 4 about an hr then try to sneak away after e teacher have taken e attendents. after tt gonna meet sam at TM 4 dinner le.

n i dounno to panic or not, tt my DCNK is due tomolo. -.- again last min thingy. wth.... supposed to do it last wk during e hol but nope, pushed it to yesterday, then again today. n now my group mates cannot b found. how resposible is tt. hack! wat ever shit la, i dun give a damn... sick of these kind of ppl. they can juz continue to spend their time rotting away, no way m i gonna let them affect me.




SUN:
Taurus: Add a splash of color to your outfit. Make a bold statement.**

had a wonderful time at Escape Theme Park today with sam. 4got when was e last time tt i went there. we both were kinda disappointed tt quite afew of those rides tt were more to e "interesting side"were closed. however, still managed to enjoy ourselves. love e Bumper Boat tt get u wet. SHIOK! waited especially long 4 tt. sat a few times of e Viking, flipper and Go Cart. we actually spent close to 5hrs there! Unbelieveable! thoughout e whole thingy we took 2 photos a few videos only with my hp. n something sucks. i dun seemed to b able to transfer those videos to my pc! sending mms n using e data cable do not help. argh...




SAT:
Taurus: Break out of your shell and try something new. Experiment freely.**

quarelled with my sis n aunt... so.. e trip to Escape Theme Park is cancelled. boo.... glad tt sam was concerned about wat happened but it was ya.. a small matter so no need to share tt with him. it was all because of e damn tix fault... stupid prob caused by ros.



WED:
Taurus: If you push, others are right there ready to push back even harder.**

went 5hrs of KTV with Qiao Mei. SHIOK! but my plans 4 tt nite din go smoothly. cause by same sickening person again.-.- so met sam 4 pool rather than movie.(watched "Shall We Dance?" on fri instead. nice 1.) den din wanna go home early n i knew tt sam had to slp in early so... in e end went to a KTV pub in Joo Chiat coz i so much wanted to drink tt nite. ya ya.. e place was sleazy, but alrite la. got to c 'mamasan' there with her foreign girls.. haha.. n bar top dancing.. blah.. had a great time singing ktv again there. though it was in e hall, wasnt quite pressured by it coz e other men there were bz with their pool at e back so.. hack. 1 guy sang worse than me anyway..lol. fun i should say. my fren was like cheering me on.. giving me support. haha. think i really drank alot tt nite. was kinda tipsy when we left so my fren suggested to have some warm food or drink at e coffee shop opp. to make me better. but i think they make me worse. so din had any much food then we took a cab back le. think i actually fell aslp in e car until e taxi driver asked 4 direction to my blk. felt still kinda alrite when i alighted, took e elevator. till i reached e 10th storey n began to feel like puking. continued walking n swallowing my saliva, or wateverthing is forcing its way through my gullet n out of my mouth. BLOO.... i puked. 3times. along e corridor. =X guess wat. a men in e apartment of where i puked outside saw me. opps. he gave me e "wat is happening" kind of look. i cont with my journey rite after e puking part, not looking back man. ya.. e puking part was shiok man. crazy i know... haha. it was a diff feeling from my past vommiting experiences. tt was shiok, felt good n better after tt. tts y i could juz walk away normally. mayb coz everything came out damn smoothly unlike b4? haha. damn slpy. fell a slp rite after bathing. e next day had a hangover sia.. bleah..

Li.di.ya turned back time on 1:08:00 PM.